| finals make me want to stop living |
[Dec. 5th, 2004|02:14 am] |
everything is so fleeting
you can move from conversation to conversation, person to person
and its weird because when you wonder if the other person was sincere,
you end up questioning your own sincerity |
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| Resolution? |
[Aug. 23rd, 2004|03:33 am] |
Like my provacative last entry, much of whats been going on is completely unresolved. Rather than come home to california and have a new beginning, i seem to have just run away from everything. And the bad part is that my parents wont let me hang out with Haroon, Omar, and Ali because they see my cousins as some kind of insiduous influence on me and are afraid of their parents. My parents are not happy with me.
Some days I have a lot of fun with Jilly and them, and others I don't get along as much with Jilly and them and I think we might be drifting apart, which I'm not so sure is a bad thing anymore. I told some people too much (jilly, omar, haroon, the therapist), and i think I should go back to my private ways. I hope to work on preparing for school and getting some resolution.
I havent been able to write as much because I can't find where the charger for my laptop is.
(to quickly explain my previous entry-- I don't mean to question Hijab (although I do think it is misunderstood by some), I am proud of and have respect for Hijabis. I just was frustrated with the hypocrisy of some who wear Hijab (and guys who have beards) and have a holier-than-thou attitude, or wear Hijab for purely superficial reasons. I'm sorry if I was not clear enough, and I will try to explain more later) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 19th, 2004|06:34 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Parandeh-Googoosh گوگوش-Fasal Tazeh | ] |
I was the body that died
when you breathed life into me |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 1st, 2004|02:15 am] |
Yeay, they published my letter to the editor in the Argus. http://www.theargusonline.com/Stories/0,1413,83%257E2008%257E,00.html
I wrote the letter mostly in response to the incredibly negative reaction people voiced against a proposal one city council member made to have foreign flags that represented the ethnic makeup of Fremont featured in a small part of the parade. Rather than just simply saying they thought it was innapropriate to have foreign flags on Independence Day, they started bashing immigrants with hateful rhetoric and questioning their loyalties to the United States. It was ridiculous, so I wrote the letter, but im afraid i didn't get my whole point accross because I had to keep it under 250 words.
I don't know how long the link will last, so here is the text of my letter.
AS A college student at the University of Chicago, it is sad to read about the controversy that has erupted over Fremont's Independence Day parade, because it exposes the hidden, yet strong presence of racism and resentment toward immigrants in my home town.
Nineteen years ago, I was born in Kabul, Afghanistan; five years ago, I became a citizen of the United States; and a year ago, I began attending one of the nation's most prestigious universities -- all thanks to the hundreds of opportunities I was presented with in the Bay Area that I could not have had in Afghanistan.
For this reason, I was proud to march behind Afghan and American flags in Fremont's 2001 Independence Day Parade as a member of the local Afghan-American community.
The message was simple: Immigrants -- in this case, Afghan Americans -- are happy and grateful to contribute to, participate in, and become a part of American society. But we do not believe this necessitates a complete denial of our heritage and our shared past.
However, this message seems to have been lost, especially after the tragedies that occurred that September.
I have always and will continue to speak Persian with my family, eat traditional Afghan food, and espouse the ideals and beliefs of Islam, not in spite of where I live, but because the United States of America is one of the rare nations in this world that at least in principle, allows me to be a citizen while maintaining my pride and conviction for my rich heritage.
Bilal Askaryar
Newark/Chicago |
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| When I was in California... |
[Jun. 27th, 2004|04:12 pm] |
I didn't get to write about what i did in California, so Im going to now, because I've been thinking about it.
When I was in California...
I went to Zemarai's birthday party.
He turned one, there were hundreds of children running around, and because I haven't been around almost none of them recognized me and I could only remember half of them. Haroon came, which was surprising, and Omar was there too. The food was good. Moska's dad talked with me about how I saw Karzai the day before I came home.
I didn't see my parents enough.
But what was I going to do? They went to work, and I was alone at home, and when they were home it was just awkward, especially the first day or two. They wanted to know too much too fast, and they came too close to getting me to tell them things.
I went to the Fremont Main Library to work on my paper.
That was hilarious, because I think I was the only college student there, and everyone was Asian. It was stupid because I had to pay for printing and they didn't have wireless internet, so I couldn't work on my paper on my computer. But I got reception on my cell phone, so I talked to people instead, and annoyed the lady next to me, it was fun.
After I went to the library I saw Steph and we went to the Lake.
It was nice, I forget what we talked about, but of course it was something funny. I had a headache.
Then Steph dropped me off at Haroon's house and I watched Osama that night. I spent the night, even though I didn't want to, because I felt like I should have gone home, so that at least I would be sleeping in the same house as my parents. In the morning Haroon went to work and dropped me back off at home. I forget what I did, but it might have been something with Jilly and Samantha.
One night Jilly and I went to Samantha's house, and she read our tarot cards.
Samantha said that all my cards were about marriage which was weird. But I guess I have been thinking about relationships in general more than normal recently. She said that one of the cards was of a dark haired country man that was supposed to represent me, which made me laugh.
Considering that this was the first time Jilly, Samantha and I had been together since my infamous email I was expecting certain things to be brought up, but they weren't, which was a relief, and also at the same time dissapointing.
Caitlin was working at Jack's and we went to visit her.
The food was okay, but seeing Caitlin was better. After getting kicked out of my pool, we went around Fremont/Newark trying to find a pool we could sneak into, but were unsuccessful. I don't remember what we did after that.
Another night I went to Haroon's house.
Ali, Haroon and I watched Elephant, which was an art film about Colombine. I guess it was good. Ali took me home which was nice.
I spent the night at Haroon's house another time.
We watched A.I. it was better than I was lead to believe.
Omar Graduated.
That was really fun. I cheered really loud when they called his name, and a baby sitting next to us started to cry. It was really weird to think that a year ago I was the one graduating from high school. I feel like the same person, I feel like I am still stuck in that summer after graduation, and that I haven't gone to college yet. After his graduation, Omar went to his Grad Night and the rest of us went to Round Table. The pizza was good.
I talked to Omar's parents and Hawa about how they should be more supportive of him, and let him go to Santa Cruz and that it would be ridiculous to make him go to a J.C. I said that Omar is going to college for himself, and for no one else, and that he needs to move away and go to College to become a more responsible, mature person. His mom said that she was worried because he is "lazy" but I honestly doubt that, I just think that they are too critical of eachother. I know for a fact that Omar works harder than me, and that even if he is lazy, that once he moves away from his comfort zone of Sima, Rahmat and Hawa he will become a very hard worker because he'll be forced to do things for himself. His mom talked about the cost of sending Omar to Santa Cruz versus a JC and said how she thought he should go to a JC if he doesn't know what his major was. I thought that was ridiculous for more than one reason, so I her know it by saying that the point of College is not to move away from school and starve yourself just to enter into some pre-professional carreer track. Omar has to go to College and he has to decide for himself what he wants to study. He has to take all the classes at Santa Cruz that interest him before he can decide what he want to major in. He is not going to be able to take any of those classes at a JC.
Then I told them how the Omar was going to college for himself. I told him that if he was going to college for any other reason than himself, like if he were going for his family, his parents, his country or anything like that, he would be going for the wrong reason. You have to go to college, and you have to live your life for yourself. This is not selfish, this is just survival. You have to go to college to learn for yourself, to become a better person, a better Muslim, to learn what you want out of life and how to get it. If you're one of those people who go to College because you have these lofty ideals of getting a college degree so that you can help out your family or your parents our hometown, you're just going to fail or become an empty person. Of course these are great things to want to do, and everyone should want to help out their parents and family and hometown, but no one can do a damn thing if they don't help themselves first. That why they always tell the mothers with little babies on airplanes to put their oxygen mask on first, haha. If you spend your entire life with someone else in mind, you won't accomplish anything, you might make them happy, but if you focus on yourself first and make sure that you are doing well than you will be able to help other people thousands of times more effectively.
That was my mistake going into College. I thought I was going to College and I had to do well because my parents were paying for me and so that I could graduate and have some kind of fantastic career where I spent every hour of my life promoting social justice and going back to Afghanistan to help out. But I was wrong, and that's why my college essays were wrong. The colleges wanted to know about me, and I was just telling them about other people. I just wasn't mature enough to realize it then, but now that I have realized it, it might be too late. I just pray Omar doesn't make the same mistake.
I was actually surprised how passionate I got when I talked with Omar's mom. I just think it's unfair they underestimate him, and I just got tired of their hypocrisy, because I've seen it in myself and my family and others and I know how damaging it can be. At least it made me realize how incredibly supportive my parents have been, even if they usually don't know the best way of going about it. (an example: yesterday my mom called saying how sad it must be for me on the weekends because I have no class to go to and I must be bored and lonely and all this other stuff even though I told her i was doing just fine. I got angry at her and told her that she wasn't helping by putting all these thoughts in my head, but she didn't understand.)
But anyways, then Omar had his Graudation Party the night after and that was fun. I was impresses with his friends, were actually very mature smart people, and I enjoyed their company. The dancing was good, and so was the food. I held the spotlight quite well when Omar gave me some candles to do my infamous dance with. It was funny, and all the aunts enjoyed it. I had a lot of fun that night, and I loved the feeling of being with my cousins again. Hawa, Haroon, Omar, Ali, Moska, Heela, Wana, Hilay, Amir, Waleed, Zadran, and my brother Sekandar. Im probably my happiest when I am with them. The best part of that night was probably the fact that I got to go home knowing that I got better graduation gifts than Omar did, haha.
The day before I left I spent with my dad, which was good, because it was Father's day. He got me a new phone, the one that I wanted, which was exciting, it had bluetooth and a camera, he got Sekandar a phone too, which made me almost angry. It's not fair that I had to wait until Senior year to get a cell phone and he gets one before he even goes to Junior High. But I guess it makes sense. It's weird to think that Sekandar is going to Junior High, I had such a horrible time there, but I think Sekandar will do fine.
That night I saw Sinead for the first time since winter break. She got me a really cool elephant that I like a lot. We spent the night at Caitlin's house watching some Disney movie, and the conversation was not of substance, but it was still nice to be with my friends again.
Then I came to Chicago, on a long flight next to 3 screaming babies. Oh well, here I am, its beginning again. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 6th, 2004|05:06 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Talaaq-Googoosh گوگوش-Pol | ] |
گقتام کاشکی مرا بلها مثل کبوتر می بد
تا پروز کرده راه حاتم می یفتام
می شتفتام به سویه پانها گحی از بد تند توفان شدید
زیره که سرزمین می شکاست
و شرارت دی دام |
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| Rumi |
[Feb. 26th, 2004|06:01 pm] |
For years, copying other people, I tried to know myself.
From within, I couldn't decide for myself.
Unable to see, I heard my name being called.
Then I went outside of myself, and I saw myself
Yek chand be Taqlîd ghôzîdam khûd râ,
Dar khûd bûdam, zân nasazîdam khûd râ.
Nâdîdeh hamî nâm shanîdam khûd râ,
Az khûd cho borôn shudam, bédîdam khûd râ. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 24th, 2004|06:59 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Talaagh-Googoosh-Hamsafar | ] |
Shyat dar ien ra ageh boham bimonee, wahte rasedan share e hush bakhtee bihanee |
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| A weird dream, and then my birthday gift, and then work |
[Jan. 18th, 2004|11:50 am] |
Last night I went to sleep early around 12am.
When i waking up I was having a weird dream.
I wasn't myself, I was this guy, with this girl, and I think we were thinking about breaking up, but we wanted to stay together so we rented mopeds and were driving through some city, that I think was Newark. We started to drive up a hill and we it was ironic, because we were thinking of separating and while we were driving up the hill two people on mopeds passed right between us with these huge pink wedding cakes. And then we passed the couple that was getting married, they were pretty and wearing pink. Then I think we reached Bunker School and I saw my cousin Zadran and he was looking for a glove. My mom got really excited and laughed really loud I think we took him home, or it might have been my cousins house
Yeah, it was my cousin Ali's house, and we were there watching tv on a bed, but on the table in the middle of the room there were all of these babies and haha the boy baby, who I think was me was kissing all these girls and then there was a guy there watching tv with my cousins and he was dirty
and I remember there was something on the tv that I was surprised because I didnt think it would be on tv it was a music video but it had naked people on it
and then I was in my room, it was like a mix of my dorm room and my home room, but it was in the Murieta apartments, and on my side of the hall it was everyone from the dorm
and on the otherside it was my family
all of my family
and I remember thinking it was the fourth of July, and I saw that there were hundreds of ants on my curtains
I didnt yell or anything, i just kind of freaked out silently
oh yeah, before we got to my aunts house there was a part i forgot
my mom and i driving to the school was really weird
they had re-done the streets like you know putting new asphalt down but there were huge potholes, and it was crazy
and it had a huge circular saw blade in it that I got from earlier in the dream, and at one part the blade flew out and it almost hit us but it flew out of the car and hit a stop sign and we kept going
okay so back to the ants, I went out in the hallway, and there were a lot of dorm people there, the only two I can remember are Allison (the pres and Alice a girl who I talked about getting a nutritionist with)
and I asked what would get rid of the ants,
and they said things like raid, or something
and i said something like "what about a sodium hectate" like you know a chemical
they were like yeah, just mix vinegar with salt, and so i asked my cousins and family for vinegar after i found an empty bottle in the elevator but when i asked my cousin zara for vinegar she told me to write a sign saying that our house (as in the dorm's house) had stolen another houses' go-cart and we were holding it ransom so I go into my house and ask my mom for vinegar and she got really mad at me for something, that i cant remember now, and then i realized that my aunt maryam and her mom were there, and i was embarassed, and it was awkward, and then my mom asked me when my interview with abercrombie and fitch was (except she said it in a fobby accent so i didnt understand her at first) and I told her I didnt know what she was talking about
so I left and outside it was a street fair and everyone was wearing colonial clothes, because it was the 4th of july, remember?
too weird and then this guy from my dorm, Fletch was talking about major universities and when they were founded
and how harvard was like 55th and georgetown was 56th
(he transfered here from georgetown)
and then i kept walking and this guys ALex reed was holding voter registration papers
but i said i was already registered, and he told me i could still vote
and i still needed vinegar,
but it kind of ended there... oh wait
haha this part is really weird!!
we were watching the charlie rose show and it had these two old women on,
and
they were both extremely rich, but they had left their dream jobs behind to become fantasy reenactors
like you know those fantasy books sinead and sam read, like that
they were really tall and had grey hair and one lady that sold books had a big gooey black eye
and then on the next show the other lady was wearing one of the costumes from the book and talking on the interview as if it were normal and she had a sword
and i decided to buy the ladys book by stephen kind called demons or something and I remember it being about jinns so i bought it and showed it to caitlin but she said it wasnt by stephen kind, and i got mad and she read it
but i went to look for vinegar first |
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| Happy Eid and Thanksgiving Mubarak |
[Dec. 1st, 2003|12:20 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | rested | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Hotwax-Beck | ] |
We had the last MSA iftaar on Monday. It was bittersweet because we wouldn't be able to pray together or have iftaars anymore, but I was certainly glad I would be able to eat whenever I wanted to. Eid came, and I didn't get to go anywhere special, but I went downtown and bought a jacket at Banana Republic for my new Eid clothes.
I didn't have any class on Wednesday so I got an early start on my break. Thanksgiving break in Breckinridge was fun, but I do wish I went home. I got to hang out with Hans Erik a lot, and that was nice, we learned how to pick locks, lie, steal, and hot-wire cars. Haha, we were really bored so we went around the dorm pulling pranks on people. Keith's brother Lee came, and he was annoying, but he was not as annoying as Keith.
Oh and it snowed! It was so nice, it snowed a couple of times, but never enough to cover the ground, but I am excited for when it really does snow.
Eric B, James and his girlfriend, Keith, Lee, Hans Erik and I went to Gibson's on the second day of Eid. It's a nice steakhouse downtown, but I didn't really like it that much, and I was dissappointed by Jame's girlfriend. She was not as cool as I thought she would be.
The next day Hans Erik and I went to the Reynolds Club and had Thanksgiving Dinner with Ivana, Ben and Jen, and some other people. There were a lot of Asians at our table and Hans Erik was immitating one of them and I laughed, and she thought that I was laughing at the joke she just made in Chinese, so that as kind of funny.
Then we had a Chili night in Ben&Jen's apartment and I helped cook. We watched twelve monkeys which was not a good movie. The next day we had a pancake brunch thing and played board games which was super fun. It was really nice to have the dorm to ourselves, and I was kind of dissapointed when everybody came back.
I was the acting-president tonight because Allison hadn't come back from New York yet and so i was in charge of the house meeting. I remembered that I have an Arabic final tomorrow, so I have to study for that, but I don't think it will be that hard. Then on tuesday I have to do the skit in Arabic and on Wednesday I have to turn in my Math project/homework. So I have a lot of work to do in the beginning of this week, but I guess that is good because I wil have less work to do during finals week.
I think I am doing well. I can't wait until I go back home, and just sit in my red room. It is so pretty and warm and I want to go back to my family and my old friends. I want to have real Afghan food again because the food at Kabul House was not that good eventhough the people were really happy to see that I was Afghan and they were really nice. The palau wasn't even brown, and the food didn't look too good. But it was okay. And I want to go home so that I can bring my bamboo plants back with me. |
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| C O L D |
[Nov. 24th, 2003|09:49 am] |
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I have to update my previous entry because i just learned that although it is 21 degrees outside, with wind chill it feels like it is only 3 degrees!! THREE DEGREES? How can temperature even go that low? |
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| Snow! |
[Nov. 24th, 2003|09:23 am] |
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It is snowing today, I am so excited. And it is only 20 degrees outside. I'm excited for thanksgiving even though I don't get to go home, but it's okay I'll get to have fun in Chicago. okay okay, i'll write more later. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 21st, 2003|02:28 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  good | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Arabiyah | ] |
I got a 5/6 on my math quiz! I was happy. I found a group for the project, and I think we will do well.
I've been pretty tired this week, and I have a lot to do this weekend, but I think I will be able to relax. All I want right now is Thanksgiving.
At one of the MSA iftaars this week there was spinach just like Maso made it at home, and it was so good that it made me sad because that was the last thing I had to eat before I left for Chicago, but then I became happy again because it was so good.
Last night Ruby, Arefa, Samir and I got up to eat before we had to start fasting. It was really nice, and everybody was really cool.
I signed up for classes this week:
Arabic, Physics, Macro-Econ or Spanish (depending on which I get into), and a World Lit course. I think it will be fun. |
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| my room's feng-shui |
[Nov. 9th, 2003|06:28 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  okay | ] |
So taking out my carpet and re-arranging my bed was a success. My room feels better. It does seem a little cold with the bare floors, but that might also have something to do with the fact that I leave my window open when it is 20 degrees outside. The new room even helped me to wake up on time thursday and I was very excited because I thought I had found the answer to my problem, but I was wrong.
Oh, and I spoke to my counselor, which was a non-event because I wasn't really comfortable saying all of the things I wanted to say, oh well there's always next quarter.
Thursday, I went to tutorial with Gary, he did the harder problems on the homework, and I couldn't really pay attention to what he was doing, so I just mindlessly copied them down. I went back to Breckinridge, and I found a website that plays afghan music, which made me really happy. Nobody was doing anything, and I was feeling particularly ambitious, so I decided to do my math homework. I sat down, and I worked through it, with a short 10 minute break in between. I did all the problems by myself, except for the ones Gary did in tutorial, and to be fair, they were probably the hardest ones. Regardless, I finished my math homework for the week in less than two hours, and I was ready to go to class the next day and turn it in. So i went to sleep, and set my telephone to wake me up.
Friday, I woke up twice before I was supposed to, and I thought it would be safe if I went back to sleep. But then the next time I woke up, class had already been in session for fifteen minutes and it would have taken another 20 to just get there. I was so disappointed in myself, I really hated everything. I could not believe that the first day that I was actually prepared to go to Math class and show my mean professor that I could actually be a serious student, I was screwed over by my damned phone. I went before class was over and dropped it off in her mailbox, but she later told me in an email that she didn't accept late homework. That made me even angrier because it wasn't late, I turned it in before class was over. She really doesn't like me, and I hate her. I think I'm just going to take this class as a pass/fail option and make up the math requirement some other way.
Later that night I went to an South-Asian Students Activity with Catherine and that was fun. We got Indian food and got to dance with sticks. It was pretty fun, then went to a frat party which was an only okay experience, because the floors were sticky, there were a lot of people, nobody was really dancing, and I was not enjoying the company.
Saturday I woke up surprisingly late, spoke to Maryam and Hawa. I was really pretty upset because everyone was at the Ben Fold's Five concert and so there was nobody to do anything with. Then I ordered in Japanese food with Erik and Derek, and we watched Memento and Almost Famous. We did absolutely nothing. Later that night Erik and I bonded over making swedish pancakes. Although the night ended up being alright, I don't think that I am as certain that I will spend the rest of my four years here. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 5th, 2003|05:59 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | a much clearer mind | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Saved by the Bell and Erik murmuring while looking at Hentai | ] |
Today my dad called me and said that he was reading my journal and that he did not like how that guy was following us on our way back from rocky horror show. He said he didn't want me walking through hyde park anymore, which was funny because the university is IN hyde park, so I laughed. I made a desperate attempt to change the feng-shui of my room to make it more studious, but I have yet to see any results.
Later I went to Belmont with Keith and Charlie because MTV was having a "rock the vote" event and we might have been on tv. It was raining really hard and there was lightning and the thunder was really loud so that was fun. We ate at a Greek diner and that was fun. We came back and watch the democratic debate which was fun.
Charlie and Keith got in an annoying argument about Beth being mugged and that kind of angered me, but I still like Charlie. So anyway there was one thing I forgot to talk about yesterday when I was talking about Hans Erik. I wanted to include a nice poem about him, perhaps a haiku:
Hans Erik is cool,
a Swede that fights japan style;
and is new money
Charlie I promise I will talk about you in my next few entries...
anyways today I have to see my advisor, and I wonder what she will say... |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 4th, 2003|07:49 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | blank | ] |
| [ | music |
| | afghan music from afghanhits.com and Shakira of course | ] |
So like always, I have a couple of things to say, and none of them relate. I know it was a long entry, but i did a lot this weekend.
The sun is up, and I am still awake. There was really dense fog last night, and we might get snow later this week. I did my physics homework last night, it wasn't too bad, I have to make up a lab, and i have a test on thursday. Math is still hell, and I don't want to try anymore. I feel like I shouldn't have to put up with her crap. I found a website online that lets you listen to Afghan music, and that made me happy, but I hope that Haroon and Ali send me a cd of better stuff.
Then we came back home around 4ish. We all went to Togo's because that was the only thing that was open. We ate there for a while, and then made our way back. We were walking in the middle of the street because there were around 6 of us. We were all in our late teens to early twenties, and we were talking about what would happen if we got mugged. While we were talking about this, we noticed that some guy was walking behind us at the same pace we were. This wouldn't have been weird if we were walking on the sidewalk, but we were in the middle of the street on a saturday morning, it was dark and around 4am. We all kind of kept looking back, and he was just staring at us. I noticed Beth, who had been mugged earlier this year, was acting pretty anxious, and so I took out my cell phone just in case. She took hers out, and everybody got really quiet. He kept following us until there was a fork in the road and we all just stopped to talk about which way we wanted to go. We all knew which way to go, but we wanted to stop because that guy was being to shady to let him keep following us. Beth started a conversation with a friend on her phone just in case, and thankfully the guy left us alone. In my mind, there is no question that had he wanted to, or if we had fewer people, that guy would have mugged us. So that was an experience, but I didn't really phase me, I mean I know that Hyde Park can be dangerous in certain areas, but that situation just proved that there are ways to be smart in certain situations. Anyways, we got home, and went to sleep.
Saturday Leah woke me up to let me know she was on her way to visit. When she came I gave her a brief tour of Breckinridge and introduced her to some people. We went downtown with a couple of other people including Hans Erik, Shoshi, Kiril, Raphael, and Karl. I talked with Leah about random things, and pretty soon she had to go because she had to meet her friend in Northwestern to go back to Wisconsin. After Leah left we spent a majority of our time on Michigan Avenue. Hans Erik and I spent a great deal of time in the Banana Republic store, which is an amazing store. I tried on a cashmere sweater and jacket that looked fantastic. I opened a credit card there, but I didn't buy anything, although I really wanted to. A new goal in my life is to buy $800 worth of Banana Republic clothes on my card so that I can become a Luxe member, haha I know it's a horrible goal, but I want it.
After Banana Republic we went to a nice cheap Mexican Restaurant called agave something. That was fun and then Hans Erik and I hung around for an hour so that we could meet up with Jon Allan and his girlfriend, who is super nice. We went to Ghiradellis to have ice cream and then came back. We came back around 10pm, so I effectively spent the whole day downtown, which was a nice course of events.
Hans Erik, Charlie, Keith, and Derek have this new thing where we go to Charlie and Derek's room starting around midnight to watch really bad American TV. We start out with re-runs of Who Wants to be a Millionaire, then go to various shows like Daria, The Family Guy, Captain Planet, Full House, and various shows on the Noggin network, which reminds me of Sekandar. (Maybe Sekandar should come and visit me for a week, that would be fun, I could show him the campus, introduce him to all of my friends, take him to class, and be nice to him.) Anyways, watching TV with these guys is really funny because we all make fun of the characters and talk about how they represent the moral-decay of the United States. It's also a great way to get nostalgic about childhood tv shows. So we were watching some TV show saturday night when Alex Reed brought his friend from some Ivy League university over and they were both really drunk. It was funny because when I told the guy my name, he got really confused and tried to spell it, which made it even more hilarious. I went to an MSA late-night study break with Samir, but we couldn't find it so we just ended up walking around in the rain for an hour. After that I did some other stuff and went to sleep.
Sunday morning Jonathan Brown, the grad student convert that speaks Farsi better than I do that I met at the MSA iftaars came to pick Samir and I up so we could go to dinner at a persian restaurant. I didn't know what to think, because I had only spoken to him very little, and he invited us to dinner pretty quickly which was kind of odd. But he quickly proved to be a very cool character. I learned that he converted in his second year at Georgetown University (yes, yes I know) and that he learned Arabic and Persian as a part of that. I have to admit he was not what I expected him to be. Most of the white converts I know are very somber and zealous about their view of Islam, but Jon was awesome because although he was a serious muslim, he had a very laid back and casual personality. He watches MTV, the simpsons, and likes Justin Timberlake. But he also is a serious Islamic scholar, which really makes him admirable. A lot of Muslims think that too be a serious Muslim you can't have any fun or have interests outside of religious life, but I don't think that is true, and to me Jonathan proves that. I really would like to do more stuff with him, because it seems like I could learn a lot from him. We had a nice dinner, and I decided that I have to become fluent in French, Spanish, Farsi and Arabic after I talked to Omeed who was also there.
When we came back, I talked to Erik, and he told me that he didn't like how Charlie and I were joking about him behind his back the night before, and that he was really upset. I was actually surprised when I learned that because all the three of us do is make fun of people we know, and I didn't think it would have bothered him like it did. But it really did make me think because he said that we never were mean to each other and especially not while the person was not present. I could really empathize with him, because I'm sure I would have felt the same if I walked into a room and found two of my friends making fun of me. I guess I just go really caught up in my ego and didn't think about what I was doing, which is especially bad during Ramadan. But I have to admit that this situation made me look at Erik in a whole new way. I don't want to sound stupid but up to that point I wasn't sure what to think of Hans Erik. To me he has such an aloof (I guess that is the word, but I am not 100% sure) personality at times, that I wasn't honestly sure whether he thought of me as a friend, or if he cared about what I thought. I thought of him as as somewhat cold because he didn't seem like a guy who wouldn't be easily affected by someone, but I was wrong. I mean, I liked Hans Erik as a friend since the day we met, and wanted him to like me, but I was never sure what was going on in his head. This is sappy I know, and I'm probably going to far, but all I'm saying is that because of what he told me I really look at him and Charlie differently, in a good way.
So I went to sleep late that night and then I woke up yesterday. I went to a presentation by the US ambassador to Nepal, he was kind of interesting because he learned Dari and worked in Peshawar helping Afghans. He said something about how the new ambassador to Afghanistan was an Afghan-American who graduated from the University of Chicago, which was pretty exciting.
A couple of hours later I went to an MSA study break which was cool, because they had a Muslim rap group and really good chinese-style Indian food. At first the rap was kind of silly, but as much as I don't like rap, I thought they were surprisingly good. Then I came back to Breckinridge, and as far as I can remember it was rather uneventful.
I haven't talked to Samantha or Caitlin and a lot of my cousins in a long time. I've called them a couple of times but I think they are being cheap and don't want to call me because it is long distance. That is ridiculous, because all they have to do is call me for one second to let me know they can talk and I will call them on my cell-phone when it is free. Well it's okay, I forgive them. It is raining now, and everywhere I look it is gray, this could get depressing by winter quarter. but for now it is fun.
I am meeting with my counselor tomorrow, i have a lot to tell her, and I hope she doesn't think less of me for it.
Anyways I feel stupid for talking so much so i'm leaving.
Oh!!! I forgot, this entry was sparked by the fact that my best cousin ever, Layma Murtaza has begun an online journal dedicated to me. It is the sweetest thing anyone has done for me in a really long time, and it means a lot to me to know that someone is actually reading this. I don't even think Boba reads this anymore. Thank you Layma. I promise you that, God willing, as long as you update your journal I will read it and reply to it.
So Layma, that is what I did this weekend and monday, I know it was a lot of nothing, but I think it's good that I wrote it all out it even if you don't read it. I'm glad to hear you've been having fun and that Davis is treating you well. It's late here, (9:30am and I haven't slept since I woke up monday) so I'm going to sign off, Huda Hafiz Layma.
Bilal |
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| I am not happy |
[Oct. 31st, 2003|05:37 am] |
I remember it, it was the day I was flying back to California from Maui, and I was saying goodbye to my aunt. It was the last time I'd see her before I went to college. She told me the first months would be hard, and that I would be okay later. I believed her, I was scared of what it would be like here, but when I got here I forgot all about it. I'm doing very well socially. And for a while I thought that meant I was doing well overall, but I realized tonight that's not true. The first month has been horrible academically. I was not prepared in high school, and i don't know what I'm doing. It's 7:40am and I've spent the whole night doing my math homework. I would have gone to the math tutorial, but it was time to break my fast, and I had to go. I asked somebody in my tutorial later and they said that they had finished the homework during the tutorial. If only I had gone. I can't turn in my homework, it is pathetic, but I have to because the teacher already hates me. Whatever, I hate her, she is just some stupid grad student who is insecure in her teaching skills and teaches some obscure and impractical form of math to first years who do not want to take her class. But I'm scared, I don't want college to be like this, I know I only have to take one quarter of math, but this quarter is already half over, and I am not doing well in the class. I remembered something my dad told me while he was here, about how that in this point in my life I'm all alone and only myself and God can guide my life, so I guess that makes me feel better. Inshallah, I will do well.
Learning Arabic is not as fun as I thought it would be. There is so much emphasis on the grammar, I feel like I'm in a science class. A part of me just wants to start practicing speaking the language but I understand that the grammar is a first step. Today my Arabic teacher Choukri said not to be discouraged by the fact that the first year is all grammar, because the second and third years focus on speaking. I wonder when I can start Chinese.
The weather for the past two days has been beautiful. It's a heat-wave, and the temperatures are in the mid 70s. There is just a right amount of wind, and the skies were beautiful and clear. The campus looked really amazing last evening, and it made me wish my mom could see it. I feel like she would have less questions about how I was doing if she just came and saw that I was okay.
Wednesday night Charlie, Hans Erik, Derrick, Keith, and I hate another late night Bart-Mart trip, and because the weather was so nice we decided to picnic. We sat down in the middle of the main quad in front of the Administration building and just relaxed. It was fun, because we were sitting in a circle, and the people walking past us must have thought we were in some kind of cult.
Last night I went to iftaar, and the food was indian biryani, which reminded me of afghan food. Samir was there, and that was good because I had someone to talk to. I talked to a white guy named Jonathan who spoke Farsi better than I did. He was really cool, and I am going dinner with him Sunday, which might be awkward because my Arabic teacher, Choukri, will also be there.
Later I went to a late night snack thing the MSA had and that was pretty cool. I met another grad student who did a lot with Islamic Banking in Dubai, and he was pretty nice and interesting. The food was also good.
Today is Halloween, and I am going to borrow James' ROTC uniform and Keith's sunglasses so I will look like I am in the army and I will be very sexy (JK). I will post the pictures when I learn how to, and if I can get a digital camera. I am truly grateful that today is Friday, because at least I will have a couple of days where I am not constantly reminded of my stupidity. But then again, all that means is that now I'm another week into the quarter, and that makes me want to throw up.
Okay I know, I have no coherent order to my journal entries, but that is because this is more just a collection of thoughts than anything. With that out the way, I just want to say that although I like being here, I wish I weren't here. I wish that I had taken a year off to go and study somewhere in Europe. Hans Erik studied at the University of Edinburgh in a year long undergrad program, and it sounds so good right now. He got to enroll in some courses at a very reputable university, and just enjoy the city. And because the university was only one year long, he didn't have to worry about any future commitments, and could honestly do whatever he wanted to.
I spent the past four years of high school trying to get good grades, good SAT scores, writing essays, and doing things to put on my college applications. But now I'm in college, and I wish I had done something more. There's no other time in anybody's life where you can just put everything off for a year. I could have gained so much in a year abroad, especially clarity of mind and what I wanted to do with my life. I would have been so much more refreshed for college, right now I just feel used and dirty. I don't want to do a year abroad with the University because there would still be pressure to meet graduation requirements and worry about grades, but it might be better than nothing. Maybe I will feel better after this quarter and after winter break. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 29th, 2003|07:17 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  angry | ] |
I woke up too late today because I accidently set my alarm for pm instead of am. That ruined my day because I missed math class, and now my math teacher is never going to believe me when I say I am trying to do well. And then I missed my physics lab because I didn't know when it was, but that is okay because I just go to another one next week. But i still hate it. I hate it.
Why can't I wake up? I am an idiot, everyone here is really smart, and my high school was crap, I never had to write a real paper, and I never had any real assignments. I never read any real books, and even when my teachers did give me work I wouldn't do it because I hated the crap they gave me. I'm screwed, and I don't know what I'm going to do. It's not like I can leave if I have horrible grades.
I didn't go to Iftaar today. I don't know why, but I guess I was being faithful to the theme of the day. But who was I going to talk to there anyway?
Why didn't my parents come and visit, they are stupid, they should have come, at least it would have distracted me from the depressing things around here. I'm tired of talking to them on the phone everyday, they always ask the same stupid questions and I never want to talk to them. Maso keeps asking me what its like and I get so angry, because if she is so curious she should just come and see what it is like for herself. Am I going to have to put up with this crap for the rest of my life? Will I have to talk to both of them at least once for the rest of my life? I should have just gone to an east coast school where they could have seen me once every weekend and I wouldn't have to put up with this.
And I hate that I have to censor my journal. Why can't i just be honest?
my emotions right now can be summed up in one very afghan word: "UFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF"
Inshallah, tomorrow will be a better day... |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 22nd, 2003|12:52 pm] |
Yesterday was glory and joy. Today, a blackened burn everywhere. On the record of my life, these two days will be put as one.
-Rumi
Okay so don't think that that quote is actually about yesterday, because it's more about the weekend than anything. |
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