| finals make me want to stop living |
[Dec. 5th, 2004|02:14 am] |
everything is so fleeting
you can move from conversation to conversation, person to person
and its weird because when you wonder if the other person was sincere,
you end up questioning your own sincerity |
|
|
| Resolution? |
[Aug. 23rd, 2004|03:33 am] |
Like my provacative last entry, much of whats been going on is completely unresolved. Rather than come home to california and have a new beginning, i seem to have just run away from everything. And the bad part is that my parents wont let me hang out with Haroon, Omar, and Ali because they see my cousins as some kind of insiduous influence on me and are afraid of their parents. My parents are not happy with me.
Some days I have a lot of fun with Jilly and them, and others I don't get along as much with Jilly and them and I think we might be drifting apart, which I'm not so sure is a bad thing anymore. I told some people too much (jilly, omar, haroon, the therapist), and i think I should go back to my private ways. I hope to work on preparing for school and getting some resolution.
I havent been able to write as much because I can't find where the charger for my laptop is.
(to quickly explain my previous entry-- I don't mean to question Hijab (although I do think it is misunderstood by some), I am proud of and have respect for Hijabis. I just was frustrated with the hypocrisy of some who wear Hijab (and guys who have beards) and have a holier-than-thou attitude, or wear Hijab for purely superficial reasons. I'm sorry if I was not clear enough, and I will try to explain more later) |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 19th, 2004|06:34 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Parandeh-Googoosh گوگوش-Fasal Tazeh | ] |
I was the body that died
when you breathed life into me |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 1st, 2004|02:15 am] |
Yeay, they published my letter to the editor in the Argus. http://www.theargusonline.com/Stories/0,1413,83%257E2008%257E,00.html
I wrote the letter mostly in response to the incredibly negative reaction people voiced against a proposal one city council member made to have foreign flags that represented the ethnic makeup of Fremont featured in a small part of the parade. Rather than just simply saying they thought it was innapropriate to have foreign flags on Independence Day, they started bashing immigrants with hateful rhetoric and questioning their loyalties to the United States. It was ridiculous, so I wrote the letter, but im afraid i didn't get my whole point accross because I had to keep it under 250 words.
I don't know how long the link will last, so here is the text of my letter.
AS A college student at the University of Chicago, it is sad to read about the controversy that has erupted over Fremont's Independence Day parade, because it exposes the hidden, yet strong presence of racism and resentment toward immigrants in my home town.
Nineteen years ago, I was born in Kabul, Afghanistan; five years ago, I became a citizen of the United States; and a year ago, I began attending one of the nation's most prestigious universities -- all thanks to the hundreds of opportunities I was presented with in the Bay Area that I could not have had in Afghanistan.
For this reason, I was proud to march behind Afghan and American flags in Fremont's 2001 Independence Day Parade as a member of the local Afghan-American community.
The message was simple: Immigrants -- in this case, Afghan Americans -- are happy and grateful to contribute to, participate in, and become a part of American society. But we do not believe this necessitates a complete denial of our heritage and our shared past.
However, this message seems to have been lost, especially after the tragedies that occurred that September.
I have always and will continue to speak Persian with my family, eat traditional Afghan food, and espouse the ideals and beliefs of Islam, not in spite of where I live, but because the United States of America is one of the rare nations in this world that at least in principle, allows me to be a citizen while maintaining my pride and conviction for my rich heritage.
Bilal Askaryar
Newark/Chicago |
|
|
| When I was in California... |
[Jun. 27th, 2004|04:12 pm] |
I didn't get to write about what i did in California, so Im going to now, because I've been thinking about it.
When I was in California...
I went to Zemarai's birthday party.
He turned one, there were hundreds of children running around, and because I haven't been around almost none of them recognized me and I could only remember half of them. Haroon came, which was surprising, and Omar was there too. The food was good. Moska's dad talked with me about how I saw Karzai the day before I came home.
I didn't see my parents enough.
But what was I going to do? They went to work, and I was alone at home, and when they were home it was just awkward, especially the first day or two. They wanted to know too much too fast, and they came too close to getting me to tell them things.
I went to the Fremont Main Library to work on my paper.
That was hilarious, because I think I was the only college student there, and everyone was Asian. It was stupid because I had to pay for printing and they didn't have wireless internet, so I couldn't work on my paper on my computer. But I got reception on my cell phone, so I talked to people instead, and annoyed the lady next to me, it was fun.
After I went to the library I saw Steph and we went to the Lake.
It was nice, I forget what we talked about, but of course it was something funny. I had a headache.
Then Steph dropped me off at Haroon's house and I watched Osama that night. I spent the night, even though I didn't want to, because I felt like I should have gone home, so that at least I would be sleeping in the same house as my parents. In the morning Haroon went to work and dropped me back off at home. I forget what I did, but it might have been something with Jilly and Samantha.
One night Jilly and I went to Samantha's house, and she read our tarot cards.
Samantha said that all my cards were about marriage which was weird. But I guess I have been thinking about relationships in general more than normal recently. She said that one of the cards was of a dark haired country man that was supposed to represent me, which made me laugh.
Considering that this was the first time Jilly, Samantha and I had been together since my infamous email I was expecting certain things to be brought up, but they weren't, which was a relief, and also at the same time dissapointing.
Caitlin was working at Jack's and we went to visit her.
The food was okay, but seeing Caitlin was better. After getting kicked out of my pool, we went around Fremont/Newark trying to find a pool we could sneak into, but were unsuccessful. I don't remember what we did after that.
Another night I went to Haroon's house.
Ali, Haroon and I watched Elephant, which was an art film about Colombine. I guess it was good. Ali took me home which was nice.
I spent the night at Haroon's house another time.
We watched A.I. it was better than I was lead to believe.
Omar Graduated.
That was really fun. I cheered really loud when they called his name, and a baby sitting next to us started to cry. It was really weird to think that a year ago I was the one graduating from high school. I feel like the same person, I feel like I am still stuck in that summer after graduation, and that I haven't gone to college yet. After his graduation, Omar went to his Grad Night and the rest of us went to Round Table. The pizza was good.
I talked to Omar's parents and Hawa about how they should be more supportive of him, and let him go to Santa Cruz and that it would be ridiculous to make him go to a J.C. I said that Omar is going to college for himself, and for no one else, and that he needs to move away and go to College to become a more responsible, mature person. His mom said that she was worried because he is "lazy" but I honestly doubt that, I just think that they are too critical of eachother. I know for a fact that Omar works harder than me, and that even if he is lazy, that once he moves away from his comfort zone of Sima, Rahmat and Hawa he will become a very hard worker because he'll be forced to do things for himself. His mom talked about the cost of sending Omar to Santa Cruz versus a JC and said how she thought he should go to a JC if he doesn't know what his major was. I thought that was ridiculous for more than one reason, so I her know it by saying that the point of College is not to move away from school and starve yourself just to enter into some pre-professional carreer track. Omar has to go to College and he has to decide for himself what he wants to study. He has to take all the classes at Santa Cruz that interest him before he can decide what he want to major in. He is not going to be able to take any of those classes at a JC.
Then I told them how the Omar was going to college for himself. I told him that if he was going to college for any other reason than himself, like if he were going for his family, his parents, his country or anything like that, he would be going for the wrong reason. You have to go to college, and you have to live your life for yourself. This is not selfish, this is just survival. You have to go to college to learn for yourself, to become a better person, a better Muslim, to learn what you want out of life and how to get it. If you're one of those people who go to College because you have these lofty ideals of getting a college degree so that you can help out your family or your parents our hometown, you're just going to fail or become an empty person. Of course these are great things to want to do, and everyone should want to help out their parents and family and hometown, but no one can do a damn thing if they don't help themselves first. That why they always tell the mothers with little babies on airplanes to put their oxygen mask on first, haha. If you spend your entire life with someone else in mind, you won't accomplish anything, you might make them happy, but if you focus on yourself first and make sure that you are doing well than you will be able to help other people thousands of times more effectively.
That was my mistake going into College. I thought I was going to College and I had to do well because my parents were paying for me and so that I could graduate and have some kind of fantastic career where I spent every hour of my life promoting social justice and going back to Afghanistan to help out. But I was wrong, and that's why my college essays were wrong. The colleges wanted to know about me, and I was just telling them about other people. I just wasn't mature enough to realize it then, but now that I have realized it, it might be too late. I just pray Omar doesn't make the same mistake.
I was actually surprised how passionate I got when I talked with Omar's mom. I just think it's unfair they underestimate him, and I just got tired of their hypocrisy, because I've seen it in myself and my family and others and I know how damaging it can be. At least it made me realize how incredibly supportive my parents have been, even if they usually don't know the best way of going about it. (an example: yesterday my mom called saying how sad it must be for me on the weekends because I have no class to go to and I must be bored and lonely and all this other stuff even though I told her i was doing just fine. I got angry at her and told her that she wasn't helping by putting all these thoughts in my head, but she didn't understand.)
But anyways, then Omar had his Graudation Party the night after and that was fun. I was impresses with his friends, were actually very mature smart people, and I enjoyed their company. The dancing was good, and so was the food. I held the spotlight quite well when Omar gave me some candles to do my infamous dance with. It was funny, and all the aunts enjoyed it. I had a lot of fun that night, and I loved the feeling of being with my cousins again. Hawa, Haroon, Omar, Ali, Moska, Heela, Wana, Hilay, Amir, Waleed, Zadran, and my brother Sekandar. Im probably my happiest when I am with them. The best part of that night was probably the fact that I got to go home knowing that I got better graduation gifts than Omar did, haha.
The day before I left I spent with my dad, which was good, because it was Father's day. He got me a new phone, the one that I wanted, which was exciting, it had bluetooth and a camera, he got Sekandar a phone too, which made me almost angry. It's not fair that I had to wait until Senior year to get a cell phone and he gets one before he even goes to Junior High. But I guess it makes sense. It's weird to think that Sekandar is going to Junior High, I had such a horrible time there, but I think Sekandar will do fine.
That night I saw Sinead for the first time since winter break. She got me a really cool elephant that I like a lot. We spent the night at Caitlin's house watching some Disney movie, and the conversation was not of substance, but it was still nice to be with my friends again.
Then I came to Chicago, on a long flight next to 3 screaming babies. Oh well, here I am, its beginning again. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 6th, 2004|05:06 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Talaaq-Googoosh گوگوش-Pol | ] |
گقتام کاشکی مرا بلها مثل کبوتر می بد
تا پروز کرده راه حاتم می یفتام
می شتفتام به سویه پانها گحی از بد تند توفان شدید
زیره که سرزمین می شکاست
و شرارت دی دام |
|
|
| Rumi |
[Feb. 26th, 2004|06:01 pm] |
For years, copying other people, I tried to know myself.
From within, I couldn't decide for myself.
Unable to see, I heard my name being called.
Then I went outside of myself, and I saw myself
Yek chand be Taqlîd ghôzîdam khûd râ,
Dar khûd bûdam, zân nasazîdam khûd râ.
Nâdîdeh hamî nâm shanîdam khûd râ,
Az khûd cho borôn shudam, bédîdam khûd râ. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 24th, 2004|06:59 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Talaagh-Googoosh-Hamsafar | ] |
Shyat dar ien ra ageh boham bimonee, wahte rasedan share e hush bakhtee bihanee |
|
|
| A weird dream, and then my birthday gift, and then work |
[Jan. 18th, 2004|11:50 am] |
Last night I went to sleep early around 12am.
When i waking up I was having a weird dream.
I wasn't myself, I was this guy, with this girl, and I think we were thinking about breaking up, but we wanted to stay together so we rented mopeds and were driving through some city, that I think was Newark. We started to drive up a hill and we it was ironic, because we were thinking of separating and while we were driving up the hill two people on mopeds passed right between us with these huge pink wedding cakes. And then we passed the couple that was getting married, they were pretty and wearing pink. Then I think we reached Bunker School and I saw my cousin Zadran and he was looking for a glove. My mom got really excited and laughed really loud I think we took him home, or it might have been my cousins house
Yeah, it was my cousin Ali's house, and we were there watching tv on a bed, but on the table in the middle of the room there were all of these babies and haha the boy baby, who I think was me was kissing all these girls and then there was a guy there watching tv with my cousins and he was dirty
and I remember there was something on the tv that I was surprised because I didnt think it would be on tv it was a music video but it had naked people on it
and then I was in my room, it was like a mix of my dorm room and my home room, but it was in the Murieta apartments, and on my side of the hall it was everyone from the dorm
and on the otherside it was my family
all of my family
and I remember thinking it was the fourth of July, and I saw that there were hundreds of ants on my curtains
I didnt yell or anything, i just kind of freaked out silently
oh yeah, before we got to my aunts house there was a part i forgot
my mom and i driving to the school was really weird
they had re-done the streets like you know putting new asphalt down but there were huge potholes, and it was crazy
and it had a huge circular saw blade in it that I got from earlier in the dream, and at one part the blade flew out and it almost hit us but it flew out of the car and hit a stop sign and we kept going
okay so back to the ants, I went out in the hallway, and there were a lot of dorm people there, the only two I can remember are Allison (the pres and Alice a girl who I talked about getting a nutritionist with)
and I asked what would get rid of the ants,
and they said things like raid, or something
and i said something like "what about a sodium hectate" like you know a chemical
they were like yeah, just mix vinegar with salt, and so i asked my cousins and family for vinegar after i found an empty bottle in the elevator but when i asked my cousin zara for vinegar she told me to write a sign saying that our house (as in the dorm's house) had stolen another houses' go-cart and we were holding it ransom so I go into my house and ask my mom for vinegar and she got really mad at me for something, that i cant remember now, and then i realized that my aunt maryam and her mom were there, and i was embarassed, and it was awkward, and then my mom asked me when my interview with abercrombie and fitch was (except she said it in a fobby accent so i didnt understand her at first) and I told her I didnt know what she was talking about
so I left and outside it was a street fair and everyone was wearing colonial clothes, because it was the 4th of july, remember?
too weird and then this guy from my dorm, Fletch was talking about major universities and when they were founded
and how harvard was like 55th and georgetown was 56th
(he transfered here from georgetown)
and then i kept walking and this guys ALex reed was holding voter registration papers
but i said i was already registered, and he told me i could still vote
and i still needed vinegar,
but it kind of ended there... oh wait
haha this part is really weird!!
we were watching the charlie rose show and it had these two old women on,
and
they were both extremely rich, but they had left their dream jobs behind to become fantasy reenactors
like you know those fantasy books sinead and sam read, like that
they were really tall and had grey hair and one lady that sold books had a big gooey black eye
and then on the next show the other lady was wearing one of the costumes from the book and talking on the interview as if it were normal and she had a sword
and i decided to buy the ladys book by stephen kind called demons or something and I remember it being about jinns so i bought it and showed it to caitlin but she said it wasnt by stephen kind, and i got mad and she read it
but i went to look for vinegar first |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1){kind=small}
askbilal's journal
